Misses

I miss Renee.

Who's with me?

We are the Highway Suits

Driving on the highway (currently I'm stopped, don't worry) (that's a lie) and a handsome dude in a suit just came bounding out of the woods alongside the road. I have a desperate urge to go back and find out where the path leads. Yes, Path.  It quite obviously has been used many many times because it's very visible now that I've seen someone come out of it. But I'm worried I'll end up 1: dead 2: in a crazy cult or 3: stuck in 1792.

But I guess that suit he was wearing couldn't have come from 1792...

Must be a handsome-dude fort.  So that's where they all come from!  I'll ask my hubby about it.

Yes. I just texted in a blog. What what technology!!

Shit! Danielle Ate my Sandwich.

There are a lot of hilarious things about the internet.  

For one, it's making us all-knowing.*

For another, it's making people funnier.**

And Finally, and most importantly ... it's making kids sound like Truckers.***

I don't actually find this last fact**** hilarious.  But I do find it disturbing.  I'm not sure if this is a phenomenon that existed when I was a wee lass using the internets or not, but I don't really remember so many crass comments left on IM's and whatnot as there are now.  Sure, we said stupid shit about each other, then it got copied and copied and copied & pasted and pasted and pasted until everyone in school knew that you hated Jenny because she was dating Michael who was like, SO hot. But rarely did we espouse some of the ridiculous things that kids are saying these days (oh those whippersnappers.) 

I started thinking about this when I was watching Danielle Ate the Sandwich's Videos on YouTube.  She was first brought to my attention because she did a cover of Hall and Oates's "Rich Girl" which we all know I couldn't resist.

But then I got a little (alright, a lot) obsessed with her videos.  1: They're hilarious (see my second point above) 2: She's got a great voice 3: There are a ton of them 4: Her glasses are endearing. 5: I addict to things quickly. (I'm not sure I can use addict like that).  6: She fuckin' Put SCRUBS together with RICH GIRL.  GENIUS.   I mean, come on.  Who wouldn't have gotten addicted.

But I digress.  I started reading some random comments and I realized that kids are either RETARDED or just getting dumber and crasser through the use of the internet.  

Then I realized this was insulting to people who actually do have mental handicaps that are not in their control.  Such people are quite obviously smarter than the kids that I'm referring to, who actually HAVE all of their faculties and yet are leaving comments either entirely in acronyms (maybe I don't like them because I don't understand them?  WDYT? -what do you think?- LOL. -laugh out loud-

And then of course there are the more ridiculous ones that are lewd and disturbing such as this one from Markysaid95 (which I'm assuming means he was born in 95?!  MAking him ... oh god... 14?!)  : "UR so fukin hot. I thnk I luv U. I want 2 fuk U." 

First. Watch the videos.  

Second. Check yourself before you wreck yourself because SERIOUSLY?! This is the response that these videos elicited?! The girl is hilarious.  She is adorable.  But "I want 2 fuk U?" REally. Really?

And finally, if it isn't acronyms it's made up words.  Pwned.  PWNED?  It's OWNED, people.  One slip of the key and suddenly you PWNED (sounds like Poaned.) the other person.

Dont even get me started on slavery.

Ugh.  Yutes. 

The end *****

_____

*Maybe not all-knowing, but Web MD has certainly made a few people I know think they're full-on MD's.  I can't bring myself to tell them that they don't really have that super rare disease that happens to also have all the same symptoms as the flu --Cough Cough-- If you hear hooves in the distance while standing in a field in Wisconsin, it's best to assume you're about to be stomped by Cows (the flu) and not Zebras (rare blood disease that causes your blood to attack your lungs resulting in coughing).

**Maybe when I say funnier I mean that they're really just reading funny things that other people say and are spreading them around.  OR maybe when I say making people funnier, I mean they're laughing more from watching youtube videos and... Oh, reading my blog.

 

***No offense is meant to truckers.  I met a real-live one last weekend and he was a fantastic person who didn't swear and had two of the cutest kids ever... which are named after him and his brother.  I overlooked this because the kids were so cute and mild-mannered.  Otherwise I would have thought he was crazy or egomaniacal... or really wanting to relive his youth.

     So, in hindsight I should have said Pirates or Sailors.  But not sailors because my cafe is right next to a Navy School and as I'd rather not have any sailors kicking my ass for saying sailors are trashy, I won't say that sailors are trashy. Shit, I said it anyway.

**** Yes, the term "fact" is used very loosely here.

*****My thanks to Corey J for lending me his use of the asterisk****** for this post.  Although really, I stole it. Because I did not ask before taking it. (no, we are not in league because we are both named Corie/Corey.  We just happen to both be hilarious.  Which, I think is a side effect of being named Corie/Corey.)

******Yes: I do realize that I took it to the extreme with this "to the sixth power of greyskull!" use of the asterisk.

Oh Corey J.

I'm sitting at work, while my crew is running their little asses off... and I'm in my office, laughing my ass off at Corey J.'s hilarious accounts of his sister's "many" poses.

I think coffee came out of my nose.

No, really.  Please go visit and eat a pizza beard Jesus

In other news.  I work a lot. And I'm about 50% sure that you dont need to hear about every ridiculous thing that happens to me that involves work.   And LUCKILY for you... We went to go see Hall and Oates in concert at Chastain last night and it was... AWESOME.  Daryl with his lion's mane and sunglasses on the whole time (it's like he wants a new reason for people to mock him) and John looking like you could stick him in your pocket.

Not quite as awesome as when Sam and I went to see them in LA a couple of years ago, but awesome none the less. Perhaps the only reason it wasn't as awesome is because we forgot our hall and oates wigs.

That shit is amazing.

I'd been having a pretty rough day (ok, a REALLY rough day), but when 3 o'clock rolled around and we were finally heading out of the ATH and into the ATL, I think I could start to smell the hairspray from Daryl's dressing room and everything got a little better.

Mmmmm.  Hairspray fumes.

I can go for that.

Text Blogging?

I just signed up to email in my blogs.  Although honestly, if I can access my email, it takes FEWER steps to access my blog account.  So... why would I email in my blog?  Especially when you can't actually have a title...

Same with texting in the blog.  Why would you do that?  it'll take me four times as long.  I dont twitter for a reason.  I dont want to tell you two second ideas about what I'm doing.  You wouldn't laugh at my blog.  And that wouldn't make me happy.  You'd be like... what does "Store no quinoa" mean?!

Then we'd be somewhere boring.  Dont want to go to there.

But I do love me some twitter news.  Short. Sweet. To the point.

So far my favorite:

Woman evades police in highspeed chase in Scion after assaulting an officer in Miami.  Max Speeds of 85 miles per hour.

Go lady, go.   But really, 85 miles per hour?!  What are they driving in Miami?! I totally thought the cops there would have ferraris or something.

I am now able to text my blogs in. iPhone says "hell yeah!! I love blogs!" but my thumbs say..."no way dude. We only do the space bar for blogging... But we'll handle it in a pinch!"

Well, that puts an end to that.

Recently I've been finishing up my Bakery-related errands at night after work.  Sometimes this puts me there around 9:30 or 11:00p.

Not so bad if you're not an old lady, but if you're me... you're taking rags over to a bakery while wearing your pajamas.  Because to be honest, 9:30 is about 45 minutes past my bedtime lately.  

Please, take a moment to revel in what an old coot I am.

Now... generally my pajamas are some sort of night-time dress (NOT that matronly garb with wee little flowers, but some sort of night dress, none the less) or some shorts with a tank.  

And so just now I wore my shorts... which are about the same length as a pair of short-like underwear and a tiny t-shirt (yes, straight up hooker style because all of my laundry is mid-clean) with some crest white strips, my hair strapped back in a headband, and a pair of mary-jane styled crocs. 

I can't believe I would wear such an ensemble either, it's absurd, but it's what was available. 

So, I headed up to work to bring some rags for the morning donut magician in all my tiny livery, and when I got there... I was amazed to see my neighbor standing out front with the police because the back door was open and they'd just done a sweep of the building.

Sigh.  Now half the greater-athens police force has seen the bottom of my bum and I'm indebted to my neighbor.  Although I'm hoping the bottom bit of my ass that was hanging out of my shorts (Oh dear god, why oh why) can be considered payment enough.

And so, I am now putting these shorts in the "donate to some hoochy teenager" box, and moving on with some more sensible pajamas.

Not to mention, I'm never going to head to work in my pajamas again.

I've had way too many run-ins with the police lately.  And all of them on a similar level of embarrassing.

Holy AWKWARD.

I had the MOST amazing and awkward interactions today.

I'll tell you about the most awkward, because it's the best.  And I'll save the other for later.

Earlier today and yesterday I got rid of terrible employees 1&2

Thing 1 was pretty easy to fire.  I told her she was adorable [cough, but that wont get you everywhere], nice to customers[cough but you never left a 2squarefoot area], but that I needed someone with a little more experience in the service industry if it was going to work out.  She said, aww! thanks!  Hope you have a great day!  

Yes. That's right. She thanked me for firing her.  Awesome.  

Then of course there's Thing 2.  Who was a better worker than Thing 1, but just not what I'm looking for.  Yes, I'm being picky, but I need someone pretty awesome in my store.  I'm not going to just give in and keep some dude who's kind of... meh.  So I had to let him go even though he's sweet as pie. 

So I called him today to let him know that I wasn't going to be needing him anymore.  And I even called a few other places around town where I know people and know that they're ALWAYS hiring.  

So.  I basically got him another job.  But he was all... sad times.  And made huffing noises at me and sounded dejected.   But it was all good, and finally done.  I waited a couple of days longer than I had wanted to, but at least it was DONE! 

And then 3 hours later he walks in at the same time as the AWESOME guy that I hired to replace him walked in.  So I was all... awww shit. This is gonna be weird.  I go get Thing2's check and let him know again where he should go apply blah blah blah... and then I realize that he and the guy I just hired are ordering together.

YES... they LIVE TOGETHER.  THEY'RE ROOMMATES.  AND... wait for it... AND He's in a band with the OTHER guy who is ALSO taking some shifts that I originally thought he might be able to get. 

Then he wanted to know if I had time to "talk"  and made sad face at me about how it would have been really nice to have worked this week.   Ugh.  My insides are all twisty just thinking about it. 

Wow. Just. Wow.  The most awkward interaction EVER. EVER. 

A) I hate firing people [period]  I always feel compelled to help them out.  Except for that one time when I fired someone for stealing... He was pretty easy.  But he cried. 

B) I hate firing people that wont let go.

So anyway.  Today was amazing.  And pretty hilarious.  

Sigh.  But tomorrow will be awesome because the guy I hired who's awesome is learning his job tomorrow, and kickin ass.

Date Grape

Yesterday I laughed so hard I couldn't contain myself.

My buddy (you remember the one who got dumped?)  has decided to start a blog.  A blog about dating.   And he's going to call it Date Rate.  (yes, it does sound startlingly similar to Date Rape when you say it out loud.)

He's basically going to sign up for every single dating website or service in Atlanta and go on dates rating the system on whether or not the match-up is good or if the people who date online/with services really deserve the cant-get-a-date-in-the-real-world stigma.

And when he runs out of services... he's going to start again with schticks.  Which is the part of the date rating that I can't wait for. 

Imagine being on a date with Edward Cullen or AC Slater (hello, chair backwards THE WHOLE TIME?! amazing.)

Anyway, long story short.  My buddy is hilarious.  And he's going to make dating fun for me to hear about.

Unhappy

We've been rushing so many people through the bakery lately.  Craploads of customers, bunches of sandwiches.

And I've got two people out sick.  Two out of four.  HAHA! SO FUNNY!

No, not funny at all.

So I hired two people, and then a third.  The first two were horrible.  I'll be getting rid of them today.  And the third was amazing, but I have to work some things out.  We'll see.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

But my god.  The other two... well, they're both bad, but one makes the other look like a shining star.  JEsus.

There's something to be said for people's intuition.  Because the moment those kids walked in I was like... Oh dear god.  This is going to be horrible.  Sometimes I'm wrong, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt.  But no.  They are just straight up terrible.  Correction, one was HORRIBLE the other is awesome at cleaning, but totally not as bubbly as I need my employees to be. 

So another two bite the dust.

Suh. Weet.

And this post is incomplete, because my 5 minutes of non-crying free time is up. 

Damnit.