I saw the sign

Sitting in traffiic* on my way to or from somewhere related to work I saw 2 signs that made me laugh. 

Well, technically the first one made me go... what the HELL?!  I've never seen a sign for that at ALL, much less a buy one get one (Heck yeah! BOGO!) sale!  And the second one made me laugh because it reminded me of the first one.

"Tell us tell us tell us!"  I can hear you chanting and creeping toward the edge of your desk chairs.  So I'll take a dramatic pause. 

Well, the first one was for "memorial park"  which is not a park so much as a grave yard (sorry, but If it doesn't have swings or duck poop, it isn't a park).  

I think you see where I'm going with this.  The sign says: "This summer only, buy one burial plot, get a second one free!"  I can't remember if there was really an exclamation point, but for the sake of selling burial plots like cars, let's pretend there was one. 

I was baffled, to say the least and thought of what I would do with two burial plots for the rest of my drive home. [note, I will not be buried, but that doesn't mean I couldn't bury something! or someone!] Most likely I'd bury one very wide person, one very tall person diagonally, or my time machine.

Thats as far as I got in my "what would I bury" scheme... when I came upon sign number two, which is posted outside of one of those in-a-trailer churches with a sign out front that probably cost more than the trailer ever did.

"There's no recession in Heaven"

Now.  This sign says to me: "Hey, kill yourself, life's better in heaven.  And while you're at it, go up to memorial park, buy two plots, get two free,  and take your whole family on a ride to Heavenland!  Where ice cream is money and noone ever frowns!" 

(note: I'm pretty sure killing yourself is one of those churchy no no's so... perhaps this isn't the best idea.  Cause I'm about 97% sure there IS a recession in hell.  Either that, or they're just giving out credit cards like candy and you have a payment to make every day I can't decide what's worse.)

I think the church and memorial "park" are in cahoots. 

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*Traffic in Athens is a lot like traffic in Atlanta, at 3 oclock in the morning.  As in, you might have about 5 cars in line with you.

I mean... you're not supposed to prank call 911.

Yesterday, I was at Sam's... you know... my home away from my home away from home.  (Just for reference, I&J is my home away from home, though I spend more time at I&J I still consider my home my home)

I took an exorbitant amount of time to get into my car and back out of my parking space because someone started waiting for my space before I even unlocked my car.  And to them I say, "yes.  My space is the third one in.  However, this is why you're fat.  If you'd just park 7 more spaces down in that EMPTY ROW OF SPACES you would have already been inside!!!"  But, they waited as I loaded my overflowing cart-full of crap and then returned my buggy to the cart area and sauntered back to my car (passing the aforementioned empty row of spaces).  They were still there waiting.

Just as I was opening my door to  begrudgingly give up my space, a crazy woman asked me if she could borrow my phone to... wait for it...

Call 911 because a dog was locked in the car next to hers "for five minutes, I timed it".

Obviously, someone needs to tell this woman what 911 is for.   Here is a list of reasons I would call 911:

1:  I'm bleeding and it's so bad I might pass out

2:  Someone has broken into my home

3:  I think I heard gunshots

4:  I didn't know I was pregnant, but I'll be damned if I'm not having a baby. RIGHT.NOW.

5:  A fugitive is where I am and I happen to recognize him as such.

6:  I'm at a bank and these dudes in presidents masks are holding us all at gunpoint, but I'm hiding behind a big ass tree and they dont know I have a shoe phone.

Ok, so some of those are a little specific, but I digress.  This woman, let's call her Mrs. Nowell, cause that was her name, called 911 over a dog in a car.  Yes.  Leaving an animal in a car for any length of time on an 80 degree day is not awesome.  HOWEVER.  It was five minutes, the windows were down 1/2 way & the dog was fine.

Long story short, the "heroine" of my story called 911... who, of course, transfered her to Animal Control & was greeted, they took her name, the license plate number, asked if the windows were down ... at which point M. Nowell said they were and that she'd poured a cup of ice into the car window so the dog could drink....   Yeah.  She poured a cup of ice into their car.

Animal control said they'd send someone out.

They probably wont.

But hey, that car that was behind me finally moved on and parked in one of those empty spaces.  So not all was lost.

I'm sleeping in til 3 am tomorrow!

Momma said...

Momma said momma said...

Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said.

Today has managed to spin wildly out of control.  I'm a control freak, I know this!  But seriously.  Why the hell am I still at work?!  I would probably be less at work if I hadn't taken a 15 minute break to hang with sam across the street at Lavandaria before heading over to Los Compadres for some work-related items (sadly, none of which was beer) and then stopping to chit chat with an employee who's chillin' at Agua Linda with a boy... that she's still hanging out with? (insert confused face.)

But that's just fifteen minutes.  And this will be another 15 minutes... cause I need to give my brain a break.  Too many recipes.  Too little time.  Pretty soon I'm going to start mixing them all together and the muffins will looks surprisingly like scones and everyone will be terribly confused.  Myself included.

Momma said momma said.

Break it off.

I'd say that in the course of my life I've fallen in love four times.    

I was thinking about this while chopping vegetables today.  Recently at work I've found myself in the seat of "sous-chef" of sorts.  I cut up vegetables for hours on end and Dean makes delicious soups from the vegetables that I slave over.  As a result, I have a lot of free time to think.  Especially today, as my audio books for this month have been exhausted and I have little interest in music or re-listening to books from a separate series at this moment. 

I also have had blogging on the brain.  I've been trying so hard to think of things to write about that dont involve work that I've been overlooking what's really read-worthy.

Suddenly, as I was remembering all of my lost or tossed loves while tossing vegetables, I realized I was actually on to something fo' realz!

While picking thyme, I wandered over all of the boys I've been infatuated with, and tried to pick apart what made me think it was or wasn't love. 

There's something about falling in love that makes you long to do it again and again and again, though it rarely ever ends happily.  Espeically when you're young.  My first big fall was at 15.  Having actually found someone whom I love and adore and am completely whole and equal with, I think I can honestly say that I did fall in love at 15.  It wasn't just some summer lust-fest that gave me little pause for thought after it was over.  

I was head over heels in love with this boy.  His name was Alec.  Alec was charming, 2 years older than me (hello, he could DRIVE!) and had a lake house near our family friends' lake house.  I wouldn't say he was a fantastic influence on me.  But boy howdy did I love him.  He and I would spend HOURS and hours and hours and hours talking and "talking" and hanging out and "hanging out" and running around doing the stupid things you do when you're in highschool and trying to prove just how adult you are. 

I think that if I ran into him today I wouldn't know what to say to him, though.  We shared a lot of things, talked about ourselves in the future, everything was serious. What do you say to your first love when you haven't seen them in nearly a decade?  Honestly, I'm about 100% sure what I would do if I saw Alec while I was out and about.  I would avoid him.   I know this sounds ridiculous, but I can't imagine what I'd have to say to him.  We broke each others hearts.  Heartless, we two were.  In more than one sense.

Then of course there's John.  I say "of course" as though you know about him.  And perhaps I've alluded to unhealthy relationships before,  but John was beyond unhealthy for me. 

I started dating him after I had been in France for a while and had just returned before the start of my senior year of highschool. I wasn't terribly interested in him.  To be honest, I thought he was a jack ass.  But he wouldn't leave me alone.   I saw him one day as I was waiting in line at Target and he came over to talk to me after partaking in what I can only describe as a "huddle" with his friends.   So obviously, having watched "10 things I hate about you" and "she's all that" about a million times, I was pretty sure I was about to be the butt of a joke, or the business end of a bet.

We had NEVER spoken before.  I was one of those kids who knew a lot of people, but wasn't necessarily popular.  I didn't really have a large group of friends, and Johnny Boy definitely wasn't part of it. He would NOT leave me alone.  Called me all the time, wrote me letters, invited me over, went on errands with me.   

I continued thinking I was part of a bet, so I would just ignore most of his advances, until one day he showed up on my doorstep crying.  He said he just didn't know what to do or how to say to me what he wanted to say to me.  While I stood flabbergasted.    

I couldn't help it.  I fell right into it.  In the process of my trying to give him the cold shoulder and all the while he was trying to endear himself to me, I actually started to like him.  Unfortunately, after 2 years of dating, one of which was long-distance, we started to fizzle out. We grew apart, nothing was right.  He needs control in his life, and I was uncontrollable, try though he might (and boy did he try).

I've never cried so hard as I did over John.  Its hard to describe why.  I think it was something to do with how long we had been together and that I felt as though I was wasted.  That my time was wasted.  We hadn't been on the same page in AGES.  We both knew it was coming, but neither of us wanted to be the one to end it. 

Staying together past the point of expiration does no one any good.  In fact, I effectively fell in love with #3 while I was still dating John.  I never acted on it.  I have far too much respect for people in relationships (myself included of course) to embark on something so torrid, but had the timing been at all different I think that year would have been much different.  Though I will say that I would never change the way my life has gone. 

I met Scott while out at a French Round Table one night, jibber Jabbering the night away with a group of french professors at Auburn who got together once a week to spend the evening getting out all of their french lingual needs and I was along for the ride, missing the sound of that romance.  Scott was new to the group.  Not really knowing any French, and after 3 weeks of seeing each other 3 days a week he left a note on my car to meet him around the corner for coffee after I left the round table.  I think I still have that note.  He must have waited an hour or two for me there because I was one of the last to leave the meeting.  Curious, I walked around the corner, and there he was, hanging out, reading Moby Dick.  

Scott and I spent a lot of time together after that.  He was probably the only real friend I had in auburn.  He left for the Peace Corps at the same time as I left Auburn, and I haven't really spoken to him since, but he opened my eyes to so many new things that I had no idea ever existed.  He was the polar opposite of John, and I can't believe it took me so long to realize that someone who cared so much for others was what I needed.  

And I think that realization led me to Keith. 

Who deserves his very own post. 

Putting it on

I've gained about 10 pounds in the past 3 months.

I could blame it on donuts, biscuits, tartes, cakes, cupcakes... cause I've been eating those.  A lot. 

But I think it's actually beer.  Since the bakery opened I've noticed a DRASTIC surge in how much booze I consume.  Usually by myself. On my front porch. While listening to an audio book.  Yes, that's right. While listening to an audio book and watching birds flit about in trees while I pretend I'm in Scotland.   And then I go to bed. 

I also like to drink at work.  And I'm saying that cause normally I'd be 100% against that.  Maybe even 110%.  But man.  Due to the fact that I spend 10 fold more time at work than I do at home, sleep time included... I've started to think of work like home, and home like a bed. 

So drinking at work is like drinking at home.

And I need to change that.  yes.  But beer while making muffin batter after everyone else has gone home is somehow comforting. 

Must exercise.  Must stop drinking at work.

Feverish but taking antibiotics

For obvious (well, I think it's obvious) reasons, the bakery I own is prime ground for the pregnant women of Athens to come flocking in.  Or waddling.  For the most part they're only REALLY pregnant women.  Maybe we get some lesser-pregnant women, but it's harder when you're surrounded by 9-month pregnant women to notice the lesser preggers.

Anyway.  Long story short.  There are also a LOT of babies.  The little buggers are everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  I cant get away from them.  They're either in the womb or sleeping in carriers or salivating all over the glass cases and spreading their saliva around with their sticky little paws. 

And damnit anyway if I don't love it. 

I know that I dont really want a baby right now (god.  When would I spend time with a baby?!!) but someone put some sort of ticking clock inside of most ladies, and I know I'm getting to an age when that clock starts moving around... but I plan on snoozing that button.  And snoozing and snoozing. 

And so, I've been hanging out with Tucker.  The cutest little red-headed 6-month-old baby girl you've ever seen.  Or never seen, but trust me. Adorable.

And she reminds me that I DONT want a baby when she cries, pees on me, etc.  

And everything goes back to normal.  Where I drink, sleep, work, drink, sleep, work Repeat.

PS: Renee, you're finally back but I can't get to your page!  Killing me. Killing. With shivs. 

Next to Godliness.

I need to start a blog that is specific to work.  Cause then maybe I'll be able to write all of my work frustrations down.  And then when I got to THIS blog, I wouldn't just be thinking about weird work things.  Like going to Sam's.

Which is alternately depressing and hilarious, so maybe I SHOULD write things about sam's.  

Like clean hands.

I'm not sure at which point Sam's became hyper-sensitive to germs, but recently they've been putting out hand sanitizer everywhere.  No joke.  Everywhere.  There's a bottle at each register, near the pharmacy, near the fruit, near the breads, about every 4 feet in the meat department and randomly dispersed among the video games (this is perhaps the most perplexing placement.  What exactly do they think the gamers are doing that is so unsanitary?!  Wait.  I think I answered my own question.  Kitten Killers).

The Higher-ups must have also instituted a mandatory video of sorts which all of the "associates" must watch then take a test.  I hadn't really noticed the bottles of hand sanitizer until a few days ago when two cashiers (who happen to be two of my favorite cashiers... yes, I have favorites.) were chit chatting while scanning all of my items.  The following is the discussion they were having:

Tab:  Girl, there was a man in my line earlier today and his hands were FIL.THY.  Like, somebody needs to tell him to go wash his hands, FILTHY!  And then he reaches over to use my hand sanitizer!  I was like.  No no no no no.  You did not just dirty up my hand sanitizer with your dirty hands.  It does NOT work that way!

Shae:  Girl, I know what youre talking about.  I always wanna be telling them they need to WASH the dirt off.  You can't just use sanitizer!  All you did was make a nice little pool for those germs to go swimmin' in.  Germs'll be having a good ol' time.  Cause you KNOW that hand sanitizer isn't killing most of the bugs and crap in the dirt on their hands!

Tab:  I know!  I just wanna be telling them where the bathrooms are.  Like, hey, there're TWO signs!  Go wash your damn hands! 

Shae:  Mmm hmmm.  Dont I know.

Tab: But hey, I know I shouldnt be talkin trashy.

Shae: That's right girl, one day he might be your boo!

Tab:  Over my dead body, maybe a BUGGABOO.  

[by the way, I wasn't aware buggaboo was still a cool phrase]

Shae: Oh girl you didn't.

Tab:  You know it.  I dont want no grubby hands on my face.

So on and so forth.  You get the point. 

Hilarious! 1:I only have time to text in blogs. 2: my liver needs a break.

Ideas

Well.  I keep having these ideas for silly little posts.

And by the time I get myself to a computer where I might have 30 minutes to write down those silly little thoughts I end up forgetting them.

So here I am.  Writing about how I can't remember what I wanted to write about! 

Boogers. 

I need a drink.

Blog!

Blog! I miss you!

Let's get together some time and catch up.  Maybe Happy hour? Next week?

Yeah?

Maybe.